


I Can't Breathe

by GentleGiant



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Drugs/Alcohol Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Iwazumi's an EMT badass, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Canon, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, Some one give Tsukki a break, Sort of break up, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-10 21:49:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10448310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GentleGiant/pseuds/GentleGiant
Summary: After months of building tension, Bokuto walks out and Tsukishima struggles to hold himself together.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm surprised I actually finished this.  
> But once I had the idea listening to the two songs, I had to write it. The first couple sets of lyrics are from Blood in the Cut by K.Flay, the rest are from I Can't Breathe by Bae Miller.

 The playlist I listened to while writing this, plus the songs these lyrics are from, can be found [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/jaggedstars/playlist/2ZTImwxrLtp1pw6gxM3vik).

 

 

 

 

**_Guess I’m contagious;_ **

**_It’d be safest if you ran._ **

**_Fuck, that’s what they all just end up doing in the end._ **

 

Tsukishima isn’t sure which is louder, the thud of his front door being slammed shut or the silence that follows. It’s several moments of remaining where he stood, frozen, before his knees buckle and he falls to the floor of his bedroom in exhaustion. And here he had thought their night was turning out better than expected for once.

 

They’d done nothing but turn even some of the most mundane discussions into an outright dispute, often escalating from there. Which program to watch, who did the dishes, taking out the trash, lights on or off. Ridiculous. Tsukishima’s not an idiot. He knows exactly when it started and why, his refusal to come out to his parents. Or more specifically his father.

 

Bokuto had asked him well over four months ago, after their weekly movie night, if they could meet each other’s families. Following which Tsukishima had to inform his longtime boyfriend that the only people close to him that knew of his preference towards the same sex were their mutual friends. Apart from Yamaguchi, who was back in Miyagi.

 

_“But aren’t you basically out?” Bokuto asked, struggling to keep his irritation at bay lest Tsukishima closed off his emotions. “I mean, we go out on dates once if not twice a week? And I’m not exactly subtle in my public displays of affection.”_

_Tsukishima fought the urge to click his tongue, sighed instead. “While that’s undeniably true, there’s also nobody that I care about in Tokyo save you, Kuroo and Akaashi. None of my family have any reason to come here, nor does anyone that would recognize me and go running back to my parents with news of what they saw.” He watched as a flood of emotions flashed through Bokuto’s large eyes._

_He certainly didn’t like the one they settled on._

_“A-are you ashamed of me?” The words made such a large man seem impossibly small and vulnerable._

_“Of course I’m not ashamed of you.” the involuntary inflection on you wasn’t missed like he’d hoped._

_“Tsukki? Are you ashamed of yourself?” Bokuto’s hurt forgotten, he moved closer and laced his fingers with Tsukishima’s. Tsukishima’s silence may as well have been a confirmation, prompting him to continue as if he’d given it voice. “Have you felt this way the whole time we’ve been dating? Because you know there’s absolutely no reason to. There’s nothing wrong with you. Or me. Or Kuroo and Akaashi. Or any gay human on this planet.”_

_Tsukishima failed to hold back a snort, the sudden motion enough for a few tears to roll slowly down his cheeks. Bokuto cracked a small smile._

_“You were doing so well, too. Almost sounded like a shrink for a moment there.” Tsukishima squeezed Bokuto’s hand in a silent thank you._

_“You know me, I prefer a smiling Tsukki to the old self-deprecating one.” Bokuto pulled his lofty boyfriend in and wrapped his free arm around his waist, nuzzled his face in his neck. Tsukishima didn’t pull away, so Bokuto chose to press the issue again. From a different angle. “I know you’re scared, babe. But it would mean a lot to me.”_

_Tsukishima sighed and a shudder surged through his spine. Pulling his hand from Bokuto’s, he felt Bokuto’s confident posture sag. Before he pulled away completely, Tsukishima wound his arms tightly round Bokuto’s bulky torso and buried his nose in the soft hair atop his head. Bokuto breathed deeply in relief and resumed his earlier hug._

_Bokuto’s hair still smelled of the Axe shampoo Tsukishima had repeatedly tried throwing out, but always found its way back to the shower shelves by morning. He smiled into the hair before deciding to say something._

_“How about I start small.” He felt Bokuto move to look at him and intensified his hold to halt him, not wanting to lose his conviction for finishing. “I’ll tell Aki. And… And if it goes well, then and only then will I seriously consider telling my parents.”_

_He loosened his grip enough to show he was done and they pulled apart enough for Bokuto to stretch a kiss to Tsukishima’s nose. “That’s all I can ask for.”_

 

Sure, the fighting didn’t start immediately. They’d planned a breakfast with Akiteru just a week later at a hole in the wall café, and he quickly uttered ‘I’m gay’ just as Akiteru had taken a fork full of pancakes into his mouth. Once Bokuto had finished dislodging the pancakes and Akiteru could breathe fully, his eyes moved deliberate and knowingly between the two before smiling.

 

“Thanks for trusting me.” Was all he’d said, but Tsukishima knew its full weight. Their breakfast continued as if nothing had happened. Bokuto and Akiteru joked and teamed up in teasing Tsukishima, slowly urging him to release the tension that had built in his shoulders until he too was laughing along at Bokuto’s goofy antics.

 

No. The fighting had started later. Later, when Bokuto started asking him if he was considering telling his parents. At first he’d ease off when Tsukishima replied he was ‘working up to it still’. But when ‘working up to it’ twisted and changed to ‘when the time’s right’, that’s where Tsukishima should’ve noticed Bokuto’s change in attitude.

 

Almost every night, as they crawled into bed, Bokuto would ask if the time was right. Tsukishima’s heart began aching more and more as every time he told his owlish boyfriend ‘not yet’ or ‘I’ll know in the morning’, he watched the molten gold of optimism in Bokuto’s eyes slowly harden and fade to a rusty copper.  Eventually after a few weeks Tsukishima’s replies became colder and clipped. Bokuto, being the lovable teddy bear he is, tried softening his questioning. Yet when that yielded similar snappish remarks from Tsukishima, the arguments really started heating up.

 

Tsukishima always managed to pacify Bokuto long enough to go a few days before their next quarrel. Weeks went by and the length between arguments went from a few days, to a day, to a few hours. Although they were constantly snipping at one another, Bokuto hadn’t brought up the underlying reason for their frustrations as often as he once had.

 

So tonight, after everything had felt like it was going to start returning to normal, Tsukishima should’ve known that the odd sense of normalcy was really just the calm before the storm.

 

Bokuto had once again asked if he ever planned to tell his parents about them.

 

Tsukishima tried his damnedest to say yes convincingly, “Yeah, soon.” though he knew he failed the moment the words had left his lips.

 

Bokuto hoisted himself off the couch and away from Tsukishima in anger. “Soon? Soon?! When is soon, Tsukishima?” Tsukishima visibly flinched at the use of his entire surname. “It’s been nearly 5 months since we told your brother. Soon should have been like 3 months ago! Longer, even!”

 

Tsukishima curled in on himself as he let Bokuto yell at him for the first time since their argument nearly a full 24 hours previous. “I’m sorry…” he whispered feebly.

 

“Sorry? Sorry. Ya know, I’m beginning to wonder if you ever really intended to tell them.”

 

“I wanted to, I swear.” His voice not nearly strong enough.

 

“Wanted.” Bokuto laughs in a way Tsukishima never wanted to hear from the carefree man he fell in love with. “Of course.” He turns abruptly and retreats towards their bedroom.

 

He sighs and closes his eyes in defeat, thinking Bokuto’s gone to bed early. Slamming of drawers echoing down the hallway alerts him to the storm not having slowed at all. His eyes are wide in realization as he tears down the hallway for the bedroom.

 

“Koutarou!” He falls through the door way. “Koutarou? What- what are you doing? Where are you going?” it’s the most forceful his voice has been in days.

 

Bokuto continues throwing random clothes into his old volleyball duffel while he answers. “I know you said you’re not ashamed of me. And I believe you in my head. I do. But in my heart, it feels like exactly that. It’d be different if you could at least tell your parents you’re gay, you don’t have to tell them we’re together if that’s too much. But at least then it’d feel like you were even trying to make the effort, knowing how important this is to me.”

 

“You know why I’m scared, Kou… You know the lifestyle I was raised in.” Tsukishima pleads.

 

“I know, Tsukki. I know you’re afraid of them disowning you or even treating you badly for the rest of your life. And I know that those thoughts make you feel ashamed of yourself. But you know what?” He zips the duffel and throws it over his shoulder before turning to face Tsukishima. “If you’re so ashamed of yourself for being gay, what’s to say you won’t start being ashamed of me? Or Kuroo and Akaashi? You’re gonna be Akaashi’s best man in just a few months! How can you stand up there and claim to support them in publicizing their sexuality and romance to the world when you can’t even bother to tell just your parents?”

 

Tsukishima opens his mouth, closes it. Bokuto moves around him for the door. “I love you, Tsukki. I really, truly do. But if you can’t let us move forward in this relationship, then I need to leave.” He looks over his shoulder, eyes left with only a small ray of hope in them.

 

“I love you Koutarou. I love you so much. I just… I don’t…” he breathes through the tears, “ I don’t know.” And like that the hope was gone.

 

“Goodbye, Kei.”

 

 

**_Met back up with the boy I love;_ **

**_Cried on the streets of San Francisco._ **

 

 

“That’s enough of this, Tsukishima-kun.” Akaashi kicks through the piles of empty delivery boxes leading the way to Tsukishima’s bed, where he’s currently hiding beneath every blanket and pillow he owns in a miserable attempt at disappearing from the world. “It’s been three weeks and you haven’t left the apartment once. You’ve eaten nothing but fattening take-out, yet you’re clearly losing weight. I seriously doubt you’ve showered more than once since Bokuto-san left, and I refuse to just stand by and watch you torture yourself any longer.”

 

Akaashi starts ripping off layers of blankets till he tugs at one that pulls back. “Tsukishima Kei. You are going to get up.” He forces the blanket from Tsukishima’s bony fingers. “You’re going to shower and put on clean clothes that don’t smell like ass, then you’re going to gather all this trash into bags and dispose of it, and then you’re going to come with me and Tetsu-san to taste cakes because you need to get out of this gloomy room and socialize with your friends.” He punctuates with throwing fresh clothes at a now half ass upright humanoid figure resembling Tsukishima.

 

“Fine. But don’t think I’m doing any of this willingly. It’s just less effort to agree than argue right now.” He slowly slides from the bed he once shared with Bokuto and makes for the bathroom and a shower he hasn’t seen in at least a week.

 

“And don’t take forever. I’ve got several bakeries to visit.”

 

“Whatever you say, Bridezilla.”

 

 

~~~

 

 

 

Six bakeries and God knows how many cakes later, Tsukishima finally manages to convince Akaashi to let him walk around the corner to the small grocery store with the excuse of grabbing some ‘real’ food for his dinner.

 

Really all he wants is to get out from under the watchful eyes of Kuroo. Akaashi he’s used to mother henning him, but Kuroo just makes him feel worse. Tsukishima’s sure he means well, but knowing he heard everything that happened from Bokuto fresh from walking out makes it harder to be around him.

 

Tsukishima wandered the aisles 20 minutes or so, placing random ingredients in his basket, lost to the temporary numbness of his heart. His phone chimed with a text. He leaves it in his pocket. Pulled from his reprieve, he figures he should probably get back to Akaashi and Kuroo and heads for the front.

 

On his way out the door he sees the all too familiar silver and black hair of Bokuto as he’s leaving the neighboring business front.

 

“Koutarou.” The name slips before he has time to process what he’s saying. Bokuto slows and pauses walking, but continues to face away from Tsukishima. “I miss you, Bo. I know how much I hurt you, and I wish I knew what to say to fix it, but I don’t. I just want you to know that I still and will always love you with my whole heart.” He holds his breath, waiting with caution to see if Bokuto will acknowledge what he’s said.

 

Bokuto remains still a few heartbeats before continuing his path down the street, a soft ‘I love you, too’ gone unheard by Tsukishima.

 

Expecting nothing less, but hoping for more, Tsukishima turns back towards the bakery, allowing tears to well despite the passersby and their pitying looks.

 

He’s careful to dry his face and wipe his glasses before Akaashi or Kuroo notice he’s returned.

 

“Oi, Tsukki! What took so lo- You alright? You look worse than when you left.” Leave it to Kuroo to be blunt.

 

“Fine, Kuroo. Just a little tired from doing so much today after three weeks of hardly any movement. I’ll be fine after some sleep.” Leaving it at that, he hopes Kuroo gets the hint to drop it.

 

“If you say so, Bean Pole.”

 

“I do.” he stops him from pushing the issue.

 

Sighing, Kuroo turns for the room they’d been taste testing in. “Let’s go find my husband to be and get some lunch.”

 

Tsukishima follows in silent thanks.

 

 

 

**_I don’t have an agenda;_ **

**_All I do is pretend to be ok so my friends don’t see_ **

**_My heart in a blender._ **

****

 

In the following weeks leading up to the wedding, Tsukishima manages to push his heartache down and help Oikawa and Sugawara plan a bachelor party for Akaashi. Eventually, by the eve of, he believes to have everyone convinced enough of his ability to function normally once again that they’ll be able enjoy the party to the fullest potential Oikawa and Sugawara’s devilish hearts have hoped for.

 

He’s not disappointed.

 

Two hours in and he’s witnessed Iwaizumi and Kageyama pole dancing, Akaashi get a lap dance from not one, not two, but three of his former teammates, Kenma fondling one of the hired dancers, Oikawa convincing everyone to do body shots off Sugawara only to get jealous two shots in and refuse anyone else the pleasure, and finally Semi fucking Eita do the best strip tease he’s ever had the pleasure of watching.

 

With that distracting performance, Tsukishima almost forgets completely of not seeing Bokuto in weeks. Almost.

 

The remainder of the party he spends working up a decent buzz, hoping it will help him have a dreamless sleep, before making his way a few blocks to the train station, swaying every couple of steps. He manages to make it to the ticket booth with only one almost mishap.

 

The attendant regards him with apprehension. “Destination?”

 

He looks to the departure board and a wave of ‘fuck it’ overcomes him. “Miyagi, please.”

 

Once again she gives him a wary look. “Miyagi? You’re sure?”

 

“Miyagi, please.” He repeats and hands over his card.

 

 

~~~

 

 

By the time he reaches his parents’ front steps, he’s sobered enough to second guess his rash decision. He nearly turns around to head home when his mother opens the door.

 

“Kei? What are you doing here? Is everything alright, honey?” she’s already pulled him into a hug by the time she’s finished.

 

“I’m fine, Ka-san. I just wanted to talk to you and To-san. Can I come in?”

 

“Of course, of course! Your father and I were just finishing with supper! He’s in the living room, come, come now. Taku, Kei’s here!” Tsukishima watches as his mother merrily waddles in after her husband,

 

Takuya Tsukishima turns to see his youngest son better, “Kei, boy. Come sit down. Tell us what you’ve been up to lately. We haven’t heard from you in quite some time.” His smile was warm and inviting. Tsukishima hopes for it to stay that way when he’s finished what he’s come to say.

 

“Hello, To-san. I can’t stay long. I just dropped by on my way to Yamaguchi’s because I’ve gotta tell you something I should’ve told you a while ago.”

 

His father laughed deep and warm. “Now, Kei, don’t sound so dreary! You’d think you were about to break it to us that you’re some homo-queer!”

 

“Taku!” gasped Tsukishima’s mother.

 

“It’s fine, Ka-san.” He placed his hand atop hers in comfort, for her or himself he wasn’t sure. Turning back to his father he braced himself for what he’d been dreading ever since Bokuto first asked him to meet his parents. “To-san. That’s exactly what I’m here to tell you.”

 

His father ceased his boisterous laughter immediately. “What do you mean, ‘That’s exactly what I’m here to tell you’?”

 

Tsukishima’s anger welled at the coldness in his father’s once warm voice. “It means that I’m attracted to men. And your reaction is precisely the reason I never wished to tell you, put it off for months and ultimately drove away the man I love!”

 

“Good! No son of mine is a going to be some, some… faggot!”

 

Tsukishima’s mother looked at her husband in horror. Having long known deep down this would be the response he’d receive, Tsukishima stood and spoke even. “Then I guess I’m no longer your son.” Leaning carefully down to his mother, he kissed each cheek. “I’ll call you later, Ka-san. I love you.” She nodded slowly before he turned and walked calmly out of the house he’d lived most his life.

 

He’d barely made it past the front gate when his poker face fell and the tears rolled harder and faster than they had since the night Bokuto said goodbye. Deciding perhaps he really should go visit Yamaguchi, his feet took him in the general direction of his best friend’s new home. He didn’t bother calling. Yamaguchi was used to his late-night visits in high school. And he was sure the habit persisted into adulthood, even if they were fewer and farer between. Along the way, he reasoned he deserved a drink after that shit storm with his father and he stopped off at the bar.

 

Several hours later and well beyond as many drinks, Yamaguchi opened his door to find Tsukishima nearly passed out on his porch.

 

 

 

**_Lately, I’ve been killing all my time;_ **

**_Reading through your messages._ **

**_My favorite way to die._ **

 

 

Tsukishima would’ve thought he was dead if not for the pounding behind his skull informing him otherwise.

 

Memory hazed with remnants of sleep and booze, he rolls over in search of a comforting warmth. Tsukishima sobers immediately at the reminder Bokuto hasn’t slept beside him in almost two months.

 

He’d much prefer to just lie in his borrowed bed and mope, but Yamaguchi seems to have other plans when he come barging through the door, a man on a mission.

 

“Hitoka went through the trouble of making you breakfast before she left for work, and you’re gonna go out there and eat it. When you’re done with that, you’re to tell me why you showed up in Miyagi with absolutely no warning and explain why I spent half the night making sure you didn’t drown in your own vomit.” His tone left little room to argue.

 

“You shoud’ve.” Mumble Tsukishima as he pulled himself from the bed.

 

“Tsukki. I don’t care what your problem is, but you know that’s no way to speak about yourself.” Yamaguchi moved to help his lifelong friend down to the small kitchen. “Let’s get some food in you. Then we can talk.”

 

“Thanks, Tadashi. I appreciate this.”

 

“You know I’m always here for you.”

 

“I know.” To himself he thought, _But he doesn’t seem to care._

 

~~~

 

 

Tsukishima managed to eat most the breakfast Yachi had left him. Recounting to Yamaguchi the events of the night previous had taken much more will power.

 

Yamaguchi crushed Tsukishima in a hug, “Oh Tsukki, I’m so proud of you for telling them. That must’ve been so hard to leave their house with dignity.”

 

“Yeah, well.” Tsukishima sighed, tipping into the embrace. “It was mostly for nothing. The outcome was exactly what I had expected, yet I wasted months in putting it off. And for what? I’ve lost exactly what I would’ve lost had I done it when Bokuto asked. Plus, I’ve lost him as well.” He pulled away and stood up, Yamaguchi mirroring his movements.

 

“You should tell him. Bokuto-san, I mean. He’ll be delighted to know you’ve told them, ecstatic even to hear you told them you love him.”

 

“He’s better off without me.” He veered for the door, intending to leave.

 

Yamaguchi quickly followed and seized his wrist. “Kei. I know you know that’s not true.”

 

“Fine. I’ll give him a call on the train. But don’t expect more than that.” Yamaguchi’s grip loosened enough for Tsukishima to pull free and open the door.

 

Sighing, Yamaguchi gave in. “I know you’re lying to satisfy me, Tsukki. But at least think about it.”

 

“I’ll let you know when I get home.” He throws a last glance over his as he walks out the door. “Thanks again, Tadashi.”

 

~~~

 

 

The train ride back is too quiet. Not having his headphones to provide background noise, Tsukishima opens his messages for a distraction. Scrolling down to his and Bokutos conversations, his thumb hesitates before tapping the dim screen.

 

He types, deletes, re-types, and re-words several texts before scrapping the idea and choosing instead to read through the much older messages between them.

 

** Koutarou  ** ** ❤ ** ** : **

_Hey! Hey! Hey! Tsukki! Look at this adorable dino I found!!! Looks just like u, don’tcha ya think??_

_[Attachment]_

** Me: **

_Very cute, Bokuto. But shouldn’t you be practicing?_

 

** Koutarou  ** ** ❤ ** ** : **

_Tsukkiiiiii… I’m so tired -( >_<)-_

 

Tsukishima smiled at the picture, the dinosaur was clearly some photoshop experiment. But he hadn’t told Bokuto that. He swiped a bit till he was in even older messages.

****

** Koutarou  ** ** ❤ ** ** : **

_Tsukki!_

 

_Tsukkiiiiii!!_

_I miss you. Let’s go on a date when you get off work._

_I love you, Kei. :****_

 

The phone beeps once, the screen turning black. Dead. Great. Tsukishima sighs. He shoves it in his pocket as he stands to leave the train, wishing he never read them to begin with.

 

 

 

**_Some body get me a hammer;_ **

**_Wanna break all the clocks and the mirrors,_ **

**_And go back to a time that was different._ **

 

 

 

A week since he came out to his parents and he still hadn’t contacted Bokuto. Yamaguchi was right, he never planned to. He hadn’t lied when he’d told Yamaguchi he felt Bokuto was better off without him. Why shouldn’t he be? Tsukishima couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t just end up screwing everything up all over again if he _did_ convince Bokuto to come back.

 

After repeating these thoughts over and over for days, he woke one morning with a peace he couldn’t explain. Wanting to make the most of it, he began slowly and carefully boxing up anything of Bokuto’s. His peace didn’t last long. The more stuff he packed away, the more the anger and frustration swelled back to the front of his mind.

 

Wanting to hinder the anger’s progress, Tsukishima makes for his kitchen, pulling down a glass and retrieving a new bottle of whiskey from the freezer. He pours out a glass. Downs it in one go. Pours another, downs it. Foregoing the glass, he takes the bottle and stomps to the couch.

 

Why had he ever convinced himself he could be happy? Hadn’t he been perfectly content being alone and safe within his walls the rest of his life? Then Bokuto came along and wormed his way through the smallest crack.

 

Why?

 

Why would he tear down every defense Tsukishima had ever built, just to turn around and leave once he had no walls left to hide behind? It wasn’t fair. The anger rears its ugly head and Tsukishima progresses back for their bedroom with a purpose, bottle of whiskey still in hand.

 

Slamming the bottle on the vanity as he passes through the door, Tsukishima starts throwing anything and everything Bokuto left behind in totes and empty boxes. Halfway done and he tears open Bokuto’s nightstand, lifts a simple container from the top drawer, misjudges the distant to the nearest tote and scatters the contents across the floor. He steps over the mess to snatch the almost empty bottle of whiskey.

 

He flops on the floor before chugging the last few swallows of fire and tossing the bottle towards the trash. Scooping the items back into a pile, Tsukishima recognizes some while others look like they’re from before he even met Bokuto. He reaches for a couple photos that seem to have seen better days, and finds a fluffy little boy with black hair and golden eyes staring back at him. Next to him is another boy with awful bedhead. Kuroo would maim him if he knew this picture existed.

 

It takes a tick or two for it to register in Tsukishima’s mind that these must be Bokuto’s cherished memories. His anger dampened. He looks through the memories as he piles the items back in their box. Several more photos of him and Kuroo through the years, an owl keychain, a copious amount of seashells, his volleyball team photo, a photo of Tsukishima himself graduating college, strange looking coins, some other odds and ends he wasn’t sure what to call. And among a wad of ticket stubs from movies and concerts they had all gone to, was a scrap of stationary Tsukishima had seen countless times before.

 

Tsukishima holds the paper between trembling fingers before gently unfolding it to read what it had to say.

 

 

 

****

**_A time to when I didn’t feel like there was something missing._ **

****

****

 

_He was going to kill Kuroo for provoking him into telling Bokuto to meet him after class. He looks down at his watch. If he leaves now he can still text Bokuto and tell him something came up last minute. He’d believe him without a doubt. But then he’d never heard the end of it from Kuroo. Clicking his tongue, he lets his eyes fall shut as he leans back against the wall of the anthropology building to wait._

_It’s not long before Bokuto rounds the corner. “Hey! Hey! Hey!” his only warning before he drapes his well-muscled arm across Tsukishima’s shoulders in the too close fashion he once flinched away from but had grown to crave in recent months. “What’s up, Tsukki? Thought we weren’t hangin’ till Friday?”_

_Tsukishima hummed in pleasure at the enthusiasm in Bokuto’s voice. Maybe this would be easier than he anticipated. “Wanna go for a walk through campus? The sakura trees down by my department are in full bloom.”_

_The excitement that lit Bokuto’s face was all the answer Tsukishima needed._

_They strolled through campus, Bokuto telling Tsukishima about his senpai’s mishap in practice._

_“And coach said if he’s not fully healed by the semi-finals, then I get to stay on as wing spiker for the whole tournament! Isn’t that great?!”_

_“That’s wonderful Bokuto-san. You deserve this chance.”_

_Bokuto nudged him as they kept walking. “Oi. I thought I told you to stop with the honorifics? Or better yet! You can call me Koutarou! Hmmm, or just Bo if Koutarou feels too weird for you.” Tsukishima actually giggled at the troubled look on Bokuto’s face._

_“Just Bokuto will do. Maybe tomorrow I’ll strive for Bo, fair?” He observed his friends face as it lit up in pure joy._

_“Fair enough, my good man.” He slowed their walk to a standstill next to some of the larger trees. “So, what did you wanna do now that we’re here?”_

_Tsukishima watched a few blossoms float to the ground before answering. “I’ve actually got a lecture in 5 minutes. But I wanted to give you this before you went home.” He pulled a small envelope from his bag and held it for Bokuto to take. “I’ll see you Friday, okay?” He didn’t wait around for a response before rushing off to make a lecture that didn’t exist._

**_Bokuto-san,_ **

****

**_Do you remember when you first told me you thought you might have a crush on me? And I told you I was flattered, but I wasn’t capable of romantic feelings? You didn’t waver for a second. You smiled and told me it was fine. That you didn’t need me to like you back. You were perfectly fine remaining only friends, but you felt I deserved to know._ **

****

**_I was relieved that your attitude around me didn’t change. That you continued to annoy me despite Akaashi-san’s repeating words against it. Eventually I began growing more and more comfortable around you. A surprise of which I wasn’t about to complain._ **

****

**_Overtime I realized I began seeking your company. For a while I didn’t question as to why. But you know Kuroo. Can’t keep to his own business. Tch. I suppose he thinks I should be grateful to him, maybe if this goes well I might be. We’ll see. Don’t need to inflate his ego any more than it already is._ **

****

**_Anyway, since you granted me that kindness, it’s only fair to you that I return the favor. I know what I said before, but it seems you’ve somehow widdled your way in._ **

****

**_What I’m trying to say is that I like you, Bokuto-san. In a romantic sort of way. So, I guess this is a confession letter. Never thought I’d be writing one, honestly._ **

****

**_If you no longer feel the same way as you did, that’s fine as well. Just disregard or toss this letter aside. Better yet, dispose of it no matter your response._ **

****

**_I hope to still see you Friday._ **

****

**_Yours Truly,_ **

****

****

**_Tsukishima Kei._ **

**_Now my body and mind are so distant._ **

**_Don’t know how to escape from this prison._ **

**_How can I, free my mind?_ **

****

****

 

He read the letter again and again, until his tears prevented him from seeing clearly. He should have known Bokuto would be the type of person to hold onto a confession letter.

 

He wasn’t sure what to feel anymore.

 

Was it worth it? Wasting half his stationary to write a letter, to finally settle on this revision? Was any of it worth it? For just a few years of blissful ignorance, only to end up broken in the end? Tsukishima didn’t have the answer. Nor did he think he really wanted one.

 

Keeping hold of the letter he crawled the few feet to the bed and propped himself against the edge. He looked around the room. It felt too empty, cold, with so much of Bokuto’s belongings no longer on the walls, his drawers empty and hallow. Much like Tsukishima without Bokuto next to him.

 

How had he let one man become such a big role in his life? Hadn’t he vowed never to let that happen after what went down with Akiteru so many years ago? Wasn’t this scene the very reason he had built wall after wall after wall, to keep people at arm’s length? He even gave a nasty and cruel quality to his personality to help steer people away. Why didn’t that stop Bokuto?

 

Why didn’t _he_ stop Bokuto? Sure, Bokuto fought tooth and nail at first to shred Tsukishima’s asshole façade. But eventually Tsukishima stopped putting up a fight. Why?

 

Were the stolen kisses, peaceful nights, and sincere smiles worth it? Where were they now? They couldn’t stop the pain.

 

Why? Why? Why?

 

The question echoed and resonated in Tsukishima’s head as the whiskey finally lulled him into a fruitless slumber.

 

 

**_How can I live in the moment,_ **

**_When my thoughts never feel like my own_ **

**_And I don’t know how to admit that I’m broken._ **

****

****

_Ne, ne~ Tsukki-chan~~_

Tsukishima refused to acknowledge the voice. He knew better. It wasn’t real. Don’t give in. Keep your head.

 

_You can’t ignore me forever, Tsukki-chan~. Those nasty pills you used to take are gone. Your blessed savior’s left you. You have no more defenses against me._

He continued ignoring the voice as he stumbled over boxes to get to the bathroom. Opening the mirror, he looked in a feeble attempt to find even a solitary Zoloft pill, knowing it was hopeless he pulled a random bottle from within.

 

_Ooo~ Pain pills. Yummy, but they won’t get rid of me that easily._

“We’ll see about that.” He swallowed a handful.

 

_Oh, Tsukki-chan! You do care! I knew you wouldn’t ignore me all night! Say, you know those things are like… ancient. Right? The most they’ll do is get you all loopy and shit._

“Yeah, well. If I’m lucky there’s still enough alcohol in my blood to help them along. In fact. Why not make sure there is?” Tsukishima tottered down the hallway, intent on retrieving another bottle of whiskey. Or vodka. Whichever.

 

_Now, now. That’s not very nice. Haven’t you missed me?_

“Not in the slightest. I very much wish you’d go back to wherever it is you go when you’re not tormenting me.”

 

_Tormenting you? Why would you say that? I’m the only one who really understands and loves you. I_ am _you, Tsukki-chan. The real you._

“Understand me, do you? Maybe. But you don’t love me, you just need my fear to live from. No, Bokuto, _he_ loves and understand me.” Tsukishima wrenched the freezer open, pulled back with a mostly full bottle of vodka and slumped against the cool exterior, already guzzling the contents as he slid to the floor.

 

_Does he now? Well, where is he? Here you are, you’ve downed how many dated pills? Chasing them with a bottle of vodka. The only man you ever loved has gone, you drove him away. What’s your goal, Tsukki-chan?_

“I don’t know. I can’t breathe. I just want to breathe free again.” He’s aware no one’s around to hear it, but all the same he feels just a bit lighter voicing the pain. Another swig. “Why can’t you let me die or pass out in peace?”

 

_I told you, I love you Tsukki-chan. Why would I leave you all alone when you’re so upset?_

“You’re not even real.”

 

_Aren’t I?_

Logically, Tsukishima knows he’s hallucinating. Instead, the warmth of the alcohol in his blood and the pain pills mingling in tell him what he’s seeing is most certainly real.

 

Crouched in front of him was his doppelganger. He looked just like Tsukishima, though his cheeks were hallowed and eyes so dark they reflected no light. When he spoke again, Tsukishima saw his teeth sharpen.

 

_See? Perfectly real._

“Not real. Side effect of all the crap I’ve poisoned my mind with.”

 

_Side effect or not, I’m still here. When no one else is._

“Hmmm. If you say so.” His eyelids feel so heavy, maybe he should sleep some more. Maybe see Bokuto again in his dreams.

 

_Now, now. Tsukki-chan, don’t go falling asleep. You’ve got a visitor._

Tsukishima’s barely aware when he hears a soft but strong voice call out for him.

 

“Tsukishima?” Bokuto. Sounds like Bokuto. “Tsukki? Where are you? I know you’re home, your car’s out front.”

 

The last thing he hears before fading out is Bokuto yelling for him to wake up.

 

 

 

****

****

**_How can I, Be alright?_ **

****

****

****

Tsukishima slowly comes to, voices drifting in from the other room.

 

“Thanks again, Iwaizumi. I didn’t know who else to call.”

 

“No problem. Keep an eye on him, ya? I checked his vitals and gave him some low dose Zoloft. The pills he took were so old they probably didn’t do more than give him a high and make him sleepy. But when he wakes up he’ll need lots of water. Forcing him to throw up really dehydrated him.”

 

“Of course. I’ll call you if anything goes wrong.”

 

“You’re a good man, Bokuto. He’s lucky to have you back. You are back, right?”

 

He tuned them out to avoid more heartache. Bokuto was here. For now, that’s all he wants to think about. Telling his eyes to open, he sits up and scans the room expecting to see his deformed twin still haunting him.

 

“He’s gone, Kei.” Tsukishima freezes at the sound of Bokuto’s comforting voice. “Iwaizumi gave you some meds.”

 

“Why?” he croaks and coughs, throat raw.

 

Bokuto brings him a glass of water. He sits beside Tsukishima, rubbing slow circles across his back. “While he was getting you to puke everything up, you kept talking to someone who wasn’t us. He asked if I knew what was going on, I told him you’d be fine after a lil Zoloft.” Tsukishima hums in acknowledgment.

 

They’re silent for what feels like eternity. Tsukishima doesn’t want to say anything, doesn’t want Bokuto to leave again so soon.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” The question confuses him. Bokuto’s known for quite some time of Tsukishima’s episodes. “I mean, not about _him_. But about you, you told your parents. Why wouldn’t you call me? I would have come with.”

 

Tsukishima clears his throat, it was always easy talking to Bokuto after an episode. Hoping his voice will hold he slowly answers, “I don’t know how you even know I told them. But after everything I put you through, once you were gone I felt you were better off without me. I didn’t want to burden you.”

 

“Oh, Tsukki.” He takes the empty glass from Tsukishima and pulls him into his broad chest. “Yamaguchi told ‘Kaashi not long after you left. Figured you weren’t gonna tell me and hoped he would. But that’s not the point. You know you’ve never been a burden to me. Never.”

 

He couldn’t hold the tears at bay, “But you left me...” the tears quickly soaked through Bokuto’s thin cotton shirt. “I felt so empty.”

 

Bokuto squeezed Tsukishima, longing for him to know how sorry he was. “I know, babe. And I regretted it the moment I was gone. But Kuroo urged me to keep my distance for a while, thought maybe you’d come around. When I never heard from you, I started thinking maybe you were fine. You seemed fine when you ran into me a few weeks later, anyway. Even though you told me you missed me and loved me, I was still stuck in the mindset you didn’t want me. So I kept walking. But I told you I loved you too. Eventually it’d been so long I wasn’t sure how to come back without you thinking I’d given up on the whole parents debacle.”

 

“But if you knew I’d told them, why didn’t you come back sooner? Why wait?”

 

“Akaashi didn’t actually tell me till last night, thought maybe you’d want to tell me yourself. I don’t think he felt right telling me. But when he tried repeatedly to get ahold of you all day to no avail, he got worried and called me to ask if by some miracle, I’d heard from you. Of course, I hadn’t. But obviously that worried me, so I made him tell me what was going on that he’d be so worried.” Tsukishima understood what wasn’t said. He often wouldn’t answer his phone when he needed a day to himself and only extreme circumstances could really rattle Akaashi’s exterior. “When he told me how your father treated you, and how you’d been acting lately, I felt horrible. I rushed over here to check on you and apologize. That’s when…”

 

“You found me in the bottom of a bottle?” Tsukishima couldn’t help the edge in his words.

 

“Basically. I was terrified, Kei. I thought I’d lost you for good.”

 

“You almost did.” Bokuto blubbers, but Tsukishima continues. “If those pills hadn’t been so old…”

 

“Why?” Tsukishima almost doesn’t catch it. But if anyone deserves an answer to ‘why’, it’s Bokuto.

 

“I somehow convinced myself you weren’t coming home, started boxing up your stuff and anything that reminded me of you. Which is a lot.” He pauses to take a deep breath. “The anger started to overwhelm me, so I opted for some liquid courage. By the time I found the letter, I’d finished the bottle and so many emotions bombarded me that I just wanted to sleep. When I woke up… When I, when I woke, He was here. I tried so hard to ignore him, Kou. So hard. But I was so drained I just didn’t have it in me left to fight.” He cringes at the memory, his moment of utter weakness.

 

“Oh Kei. You don’t need to feel ashamed. It’s okay to not be okay, you’re only human. I’m always here for you. No matter how mad we are with each other, if you ever start feeling like you can’t fight it by yourself anymore, tell me. I’ll be here. Always.” He lifts Tsukishima’s face to chastely kiss his forehead.

 

“Does that mean you’re staying? You’re not leaving?” He didn’t dare allow hope to get too far ahead of himself.

 

“Of course I’m staying. So long as you want me, I’ll stay.”

 

 

 

~~~

 

“Alright, all you unmarried scrubs! My beautiful husband is ready to throw his bouquet. So, if you’d be so kind as to gather over here… Bean Pole, that means you too.” Tsukishima groaned as Kuroo tugged him front and center of the crowd. “Ready, babe? Alright. One, two, THREE!”

 

Tsukishima’s long honed volleyball reflexes react without a second thought when the red and gold bouquet comes hurtling towards his face. Not sure of what to do next, he looks towards Akaashi. The twinkle in his eye more than answer enough to the silent question.

 

“Bro! I better be your best man!” Kuroo’s already tackling Bokuto to the ground, scuffing their tuxes on the way down. Tsukishima share’s a sympathetic glance with Akaashi.

 

“Of course, Bro!! Can’t get married without my bestest bro!”

 

Tsukishima doesn’t hide his smile as he walks over to where his brawny boyfriend’s wrestling Kuroo. “Bo, you’re causing a scene. Please get off the ground.”

 

Bokuto stops strangling Kuroo and cranes his neck to look at Tsukishima. “On one condition.” Tsukishima ignores Kuroo’s knowing smirk as he shoves Bokuto off and stands to rejoin his new husband on the steps. Bokuto sits up off the ground, resting on his knees, looking all too formal.

 

“What’s your condition, Koutarou?” Feigning annoyance. He studies the way Bokuto’s tongue sticks out while he searches his pockets for something. “Kou?”

 

Finding what he was looking for, Bokuto pulls a small velvet box from his jacket pocket and opens it for Tsukishima to see a simple silver band reflect the setting sun. “Marry me?” His voice sounds steady, but Tsukishima can tell by his eyes that he’s more nervous than he’s ever been.

 

He reaches to pull Bokuto up, he follows easily. “Of course I’ll marry you, Koutarou. Of course.” He tilts his head to kiss Bokuto briefly before pulling back and letting him slide the ring on his finger. “I love you so much, Kou.”

 

“I love you too, Kei.” Bokuto grabs hold of his lapels and pulls him back in for a deeper kiss. Tsukishima gives in, oblivious to the cheers and catcalls around them.

 

Finally, he can breathe.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
